he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
