I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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