he told me I talked like a deaf person
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
