I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
