If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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