I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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