oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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