He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize