The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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