if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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