so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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