I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
