I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
