I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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