he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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