Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
