Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
