i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize