I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
