I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
