i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
