I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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