Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
