Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
