Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
