I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
