Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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