Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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