considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
