I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
