Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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