I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
