What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
