she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize