it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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