you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
