The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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