Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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