On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
