Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
