Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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