i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
