I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
