no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i now understand why vodka
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
