Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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