She said her name was "party"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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