pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
