OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
