we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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