Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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