How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
