she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
