Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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