Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
