Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
