why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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