gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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