Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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