You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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