No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
