so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
