I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
