yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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