also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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